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About Me Member Journalist Walker Pennington25/Male/United States

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Devious Journal Entry

Sun Oct 25, 2009, 1:24 PM

"Life for you's been less then kind..? Well, take a number, step in line! We've ALL been sorry, we've ALL been hurt...but HOW we survive, is what makes us who we a-are~!" - Rise Against, "Survive".

It's six o'clock at night. The weather's finally turned slightly crisp, a tad on the chilly, and this ability to see my breath ever-so-slightly as I breathe brings my memories back to a different place...always, in this weather, does my mind go back to Sacramento, or Sunnyvale, during the times when great cold was constant, and we were poorer than we are even now. When the *true* definition of "the struggle" was performed, and the whinging of today's impoverished is scoffed at briefly by those who went through the worst with me...those who allow themselves to remember, anyhow.

Matt is nearby, taking away my book. Eric Bischoff's "Controversy Creates Ca$h" on the grounds that neither he nor I are allowed to have nice things--God obviously decreed it so, we're still doing horrendously, both financially and spiritually. Our luck is never to our favor. But while I jest with him, my mind isn't fully here. I've consulted the Bischoff since my last journal entry didn't fare so well, and had been trying to find a way to bring myself out of the gutter I'd managed to find myself in...or shoved in, more like. And then, moments before Matt entered...there it was. And that's where mind was, even as I offer Matt a gold-plated Pikachu card thingy from Burger King back in the 90s as incentive to get my Bischoff back, joking still.

Mere moments before, I had taken the time to let the world know that I was finding it hard to feel good, 'cuz each time I'm up there, I knew I was gonna fall. And my friend, Anna Warren, responds simply, "I used to feel like that. Then someone I dated told me how he forced himself to not live in the future. He's less disappointed in life now." Like a lot of the advice I've gotten these last two weeks, I nodded...considered it, and took it for the attempt to cheer me up--as it is just that. Then...the sense of it slowly builds. I start piecing it together with the advice given previously from Zeke and Chris and Mitch, or from Derek, or Jesse, or Sloan, or Sarah, or Raph...this was the missing puzzle piece, this made it all work. Had I been so blind?

And then right after that, James came home, and we went to Brian's to watch Gurren Lagann.

For the first time. Witnessing Kamina. For the first. Time.

Now, I'm a weird guy, in terms of where I find my happiness. Success, to me, isn't measured by clothing lines, cars, girls, or cash. It's in helping people. Roots in the community, see? And what bothers an Akero most (that's me), more than damn near anything in this universe, is the inability to help...to be useless. When I'm in the pits, when my life seems...beyond repair? It's time to start helping others, and there's no better place to start then in my very own place of living...the people around me. The impact of last night, from Anna to Kamina, hasn't even begun to drain from my hands. When I returned, I spent the evening telling a friend I was in their corner. They knew that already, but they needed to know more.

They needed to stop being depressed.

Look at yourself. We could go on and on about believing in yourself like we did back here, you know..never giving up on yourself or your dreams, but you should know that by now. You gotta believe that you can make it! All manner of people were in seriously shitty situations before they made it big; Henry Ford, Harrison Ford, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Will Smith, Michael Jordan, Eric Bischoff--Hell, even William Shatner had roaches climbing his apartment walls! Success doesn't always come instantaneously; just make sure you always step in the right direction, and expect things to go slow--"give it a second! It's going to space!!" hahaha. There's a reason all those quotes were thrown out about Rome not being built in a day! Here's a look at Eric Bischoff's life alone (since it's right here):

"... I was reluctant to leave the business. That decision took a significant financial toll on me and my family. My car was repossessed out of my driveway, and I fell four or five months behind on my house payments. My kids ate rice and beans and hot dogs. My wife worked nights as a waitress in a restaurant, but the money wasn't enough to keep us going. The reality of my situation came to me when we came home from visiting my parents one winter night, and the house was freezing cold. We were out of propane. And we weren't going to get any more, because we owed the propane company money. I had to heat our house with a couple of portable kerosene heaters. I needed a miracle."

And THIS is the guy who didn't really start his life 'til he was 26--everything before then was martial arts tournaments and partying. This is the guy who's one of the most legendary and successful businessmen in the world. He never graduated from college, he certainly didn't start out with any manner of money, and? He did it. His philosophy was to just make sure every step was in the right direction, and to do everything you can without abandoning your team.

...That's right, your team.

It's one thing to be morose over things you can't change that you may very well never see again. Things that...will never be in your decision to make, or your friends to help you make. Like losing a friend, that depresses you? No one can give that friendship back but that friend. So, it makes sense that it would depress you. But on the things you *can* change..? The things you can face another time should this time not work out? Yeah, maybe you don't see a way--but guarantee you, with a team? It works out. And that brings me harsh into the real meat of this journal entry. What I told this friend? I told her to stop it. An amazing depression? Absolutely, I been there--Hell, I am there. We all know it's hard to get out of those. Especially when you turn around and see that so many are in it this month.

Seriously, these last thirty days have been extremely bullshit for couples everywhere. From Chris (Gyro's Chris; not Harris, or Steinwinder, or Bennett) having his girl leave him over the most simple-minded nonsense crap, and many in between, all the way to my boy Scott getting it all thrown away from the girl'a his dreams! Dude finally found the woman he could love forever..his best friend for years, right? And then, just when she was about to come out here to California like they'd planned, she changed her fuckin' mind! Last-minute like and shit! Decided she couldn't leave her family and life behind in South Carolina. And then Scott, being the real man that he is, offered to go out to South Carolina instead--what the fuck does she do? She said she'd lose respect for him, ditching my family like that.

Like hold the fuck on, isn't Scott over 18 years old? Yes he fucking is. Isn't Scott capable of making his own decisions in life? Fuck yes, of course! Ain't his family very capable folk rich off their goofy asses? Yes, yes they are. What the fuck is THIS shit?? Most importantly of all, most importantly of all, doesn't the girl of your dreams take the front seat in terms of priorities, and all the rest of the world (much love to them all the same) take the back seat?? That's how me and Rahan used to tell it, and I still firmly believe it--yo, that girl in your life is your fucking team, man! That's your partner, every buddy-cop movie you ever seen shouldn't even be able to touch that!

That's some Kamina and Yoko shit right there, some Cordelia Naismith and Aral Vorkosigan team-up right there! That's how it should be!

Still scared things might not work out in the future? Get the fuck over it, there's always that risk, but that doesn't mean you drop the fuckin' shit all together--anything worth a shit in life takes a fuckin' risk, you should know that shit! "lose respect for you, ditching your family like tha--" THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN!?! My fucking God! If Scott's family need him or some shit, they'll call him down! Naw man, that sounds like excuses to me, fear and some shit over the indeterminable. A friend of mine once said that, just because something's a song doesn't mean it's lyrics don't hold truth; someone believed that enough to write it. So straight from Freddie Mercury, "Remember: Love's stronger. Remember, Love conquers All".

And I do seriously believe that shit.

Like, it would be an honor for Scott to live near you lady, be with you, help you through life and be together with you! "Well I might not have time for him and so that'll be unfair to hi--" NO. It hurts him way, way more to just not be with him at all. Dude felt like someone had stabbed him all over my soul. Wanted to fucking die it hurt so much. Seriously, he's a big boy. He's got patience, and he don't need daily coddling. "It's long distance, so--" NO. You work that shit out. It brings me back to this conversation we were having about a month ago in the car, me and Zeke--this was during our time of hanging signs around the San José neighborhoods for Gyro's and shit, right? We're in the car--Rebecca's driving, Zeke to her right in the passenger seat as he always is, me in the back just listening in.

And we discuss how sometimes people that are angry say things they don't exactly mean (or don't exactly say right). It's why me, Chris, and Zeke take walks when pissed. And we discuss drugs, right? And stopping drugs no matter what, 'cuz that shit's bad for you and Zeke knows that first hand, from pot to otherwise--just none of that shit is very sound with him, and he's talking about his meetings he's had to see in his time where people are giving up and not working together and launches into this:

"It could always be worse. You know? You could be homeless, you could be in a car accident so bad that your dick gets blown off, or BOOM there goes your titties! It could be the end of the world--you could be the last people on the face of the Earth after some meteor crashes, and it could still always be worse--do you understand? You work together. Love is two people working together taking on whatever no matter what. When shit goes down, you know the person--and that's what's so cool about you, Walker--when things got hard, no matter how hard, you stuck to it, and you saw it through!"

Which I mean, that was real nice of him to say at the end there on me, but it's fuckin' true! You fucking stick together, man! Not just through the hard times, man especially through the hard fucking times!! You stick together, you communicate, and you work together, 'cuz here's the reality: Life isn't pretty. It doesn't fucking love you, and it isn't here to be fair. No matter what you give up thinking things will be easier, it won't be. It'll just get worse, and it'll just get harder, 'cuz that's what Life was created to do--to test you, do you understand? It's forced evolution. Every thing you conquer, there will always be another thing.

Peace isn't the absence of problems, it's the ability to deal with those problems when they happen calmly or, at the very least, confidently. With a team? You can do that. But, what's important is that you have a *team*. Like I've told Jasmine that I'm in her corner and to depend on me when the hard times hit--run to me when you need me! I'll never leave. Am I saying this for an angle? Fuck no, I know I'm likely not getting shit in this. That's not the point. People sometimes say they got me all figured out as if that's something special haha, it ain't hard! I put my soul to bare for the world to see, it's all in the light, and it's all about giving my last dime to see that good people are helped. Look at the friends you got now. Can they say that? Will they say things to make you happy?

Will they say things that're true to help you regardless of whether it makes you happy or not..? Will they kiss your head when you do right, and kick your ass when you do wrong? If so, that's the kinda friends you want in your corner. Not assholes with alternative motives. "But they do this for me--" no one asked that. You're better then relying on scum, right? So depend on me! Depend on friends! Depend on your team. Doesn't have to be more than one, doesn't have to be limited to just one either. Kid Rock said it right:

"It's a matter of salvation from them patience up above,
So don't give up so damn easy on the one you love, one you love!
Somewhere you got a brother, sister, friend, grandmother, niece or nephew
Just dying to be with you..
You know there's someone out there who unconditionally, religiously, loves you
So just hold on 'cuz you know it's true!
And if you can take the pain
Then you can withstand anything,
And one day stand hand in hand with the truth!" - Kid Rock, "Amen".

Indeed. Exactly. There's someone out there, someone for each and every one of you. It's not necessarily romantic (it could be?). It's not necessarily family (it could be?). But it's someone, damn it--so partner it up! I know some'a you cats got that huge independent-streak, "Gotta do shit by my lonely Walker 'cuz rigmarole and jibbajabba nonsense", but...you don't. Believe me, no one had the independence more than Walker once upon a time--well...almost no one as big as his, lately even that's been capped, but the point is: People want to help you. They want to help you because they care about you--to deny them the ability to lend a hand? Makes 'em feel useless. Then you're worse off 'cuz you ain't got the backup, and they're worse off 'cuz they're rendered to the sidelines.

Lemme give an example of some simple teamwork I've seen recently make shit all the better. Here I am at the Gyro's, and I remember asking on training day, "How do you want me to scare these people?"...'cuz I know two ways to scare folk. Be big and imposing (comes naturally), or shake 'em 'til miracles come out. Or be really, really silent and just stand behind them haha (scared Matt and his mom like that many-a-times XD) so I guess that's three, but I mean...it didn't seem like that's all they wanted. And Zergog's like, "just scare them in ways that scare you, without touching them." ...How I get scared? Losing my girl? Tell people they might lose their girlfriend, that's what you want me to do? 'Cuz not a whole lot else gives me a scare. Oh wait, IRS? IRS could be frightening..oh! Telling me I'm behind a few weeks on rent? That shit put a scare in us.

Remember when we was getting sued, James? And I had to call down Angels to help?

Yeah, good times. Point is, I don't get scared by the traditional shit. Cautious step, startled by a suddenness, but never scream-run-run kinda shit, I usually just strike at shit that seem suddenly dangerous (as Alex found out haha!) So Rebecca gave me some tips on how to scare folk the way they wanted, and we go to it--I'm in my corner, standing, waiting for someone to pass by, and then I'm jumpin' out and givin' the roar, and sure enough people are startled and I go back into my hidey-hole. But...as you work here, you begin to realize a certain chemistry. What makes this shit work isn't being big or menacing, it's teamwork and knowing where to strike. Now-a-days I don't stand, I sit. My ears wait for Alex's cry that scares people from his corner--he's a spider guy in black, and since he's also black, he just blends into that darkness.

They SHRIEK and come shuffling into the corridor to get away from that, and BOOM there I am! They're running away, and man I chase after! Poundin' them walls above their head, mere inches from their fleeing bodies, they're collapsing over each other, paying attention to me, pinning themselves against the wall and--while all that's going on, BOOM, there's Gabe in the next room I just chased them into, right next to them, they're absolutely not expecting him their terror's so on me, and it just completely drives it over the top. There's an energy, and it's a play like that which makes me, Alex, and Gabe do a fuckin' dance and grin. Even when they AREN'T so spooked to go running, tryin' to be tough or whatever, I'll still follow them. And they find it even creepier that I'll follow them anyway. And they watch me in case I got a new trick.

...Right into Gabe. We're supposed to scare 65% of our customers. I say we scare more like 95%. And the rest I'd say are jarred and acting up.

See that shit?? That's fuckin' teamwork. Our network grew from there to include Oliee and James (Gyro's James, not Erickson or Major) and we get a five-man nonstop shriek fest just converging on them, way, way, waaaay better then any one of us could produce. And that is fucking team work. Sure you can get the job done alone, Hell maybe even with flying colors, maybe you're a one-man army...right? But a team of one-man armies would be even more unstoppable. So rely on your partner, rely on your team mate, rely on those who want to help you 'cuz that's what teams do. They WANT to help, and your alone shit just might not cut it! It's someone to fall back on if your independence streak fails, and if shit looks bleak? Just fucking tough it out for a while you big pansey--it'll work out. You got people in your corner.

Even fuckin' Mr. T has partners and team-mates.

*Could* you do it your own? Sure, maybe. Probably, even! But why not get it done quicker, and funner? Not like you won't do the same for him or her right? Right! Teamwork, with a team of friends, makes you unbeatable...even if the team-up is just two. So grab your Ken Masters, your Rally Vincent, and get your shit together--and don't expect it done over night! Nothing fuckin' worth while happened over night, right? Even if it seems sudden, it built itself up. An inclining, an obsession, an infatuation. It doesn't usually ever just come in through the wall like the fuckin' Kool-Aid man, right? And if it does ... Damn, to quote Sean, "Must be nice". The world could be at it's worst, indeed my life is worse now than it's been in so many years...but you know what?

I got my team. I got so many I can go to, and they can come to me. We'll make it.

"When we built these dreams on sand,
How they all slipped through our hands,
This might be our only chance...
Let's take this one day at a time!
I'll hold your hand if you hold mine.
The time that we kill keeps us alive." - Rise Against, "Rumors of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated"

I mean, do you understand?? Does this shit ring clear to you, or are you still spinning on that fucking doubt you keep to your chest! This ain't for the cats that know better on team work--Hell the BSG know alla 'bout that team work! This is for the cats sitting there festering in their fear that shit ain't gonna fuckin' work out, that they gotta do shit alone, people I've spent hours and shit trying to tell through the e-mails and through the words of advice, don't you fucking give up! I fucking mean that shit, you stick to your guns, if not for you--for your boys! Fuck selfishness, that goofy shit is for jabronis and two-bit pseudo-thugs, the bitch-ass chumps that'd gladly shank you in the back without a moment's notice--why emulate that motherfucking crap??

God fucking DAMN am I done with this shit--if you're on that manner of thinking? Then fuck that, and fuck you, I'm outta here to slam with my brothers and sisters and take back this fucking world, one way or a fuckin' 'nother! Can I getta witness??

Real Updates Next Week,
Walker Pennington.

~John McClane Sez~
Al: Hey, I'm right here partner. Well, what is it about?
John McClane: Oh, just a feeling I have.
Al: Ouch. When you get those feelings, the insurance companies start to get bankrupt.

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Mood: Rant
Listening to: Kid Rock - Amen
Drinking: Beer

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Devious Info

Current Residence: Rancho Cordova, California
Interests: Anime, RPGs, Star Wars, Swords, Literature, Movies, and finding new ways to piss of 'The Man'
Favourite movie: 300
Favourite band or musician: Queen/Freddie Mercury
Favourite genre of music: Anything that's good
Favourite artist: Rumiko Takahashi
Favourite poet or writer: Mr. T
Favourite photographer: I'll have to think about this...
Favourite style of art: Rumiko Takahashi o.o;
Operating System: Windows, I guess..Definitely more-so than Mac.
MP3 player of choice: Winamp.
Shell of choice: Turtle?
Wallpaper of choice: BSG wallpaper
Skin of choice: Er..My skin?...
Favourite game: Video game? Final Fantasy VII.
Favourite gaming platform: Sega Dreamcast
Favourite cartoon character: As in..American? David Xanatos.
Personal Quote: "Oh, please. A king is just a face for his kingdom." - King Kashu Arnague
Tools of the Trade: Swords